I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
