I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
