1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize