I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
