Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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