it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
