Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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