New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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