Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
