I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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