U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
