im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
