vagina is talking i cant
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
