i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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