yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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