I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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