i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
