im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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