why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
