Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
