he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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