Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
