i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
