I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
