there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
