He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize