Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
