did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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