If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
There's even glitter on my cock...
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