I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
