shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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