Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
