...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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