They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
