Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
