I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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