I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
