I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
