so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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