My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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