Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm determined to sit on that face.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
