I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize