I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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