Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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