I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
