i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
