Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I touched a dick in church today
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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