Having a random hookup so left but love u
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
