my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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