is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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