Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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