I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
