i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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