she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
