A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize