If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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