Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
