His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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